Chapter 43: Silver Soul (Earth Chapter)

In the deep night of Kabukicho, drunken wanderers staggered along the streets, while patrolling constables inspected suspicious corners, swinging lanterns and gripping their iron clubs. The officer glanced at the clock in his hand—it was half past three. Even in this city that never sleeps, most had already retired for the night; only a handful of taverns still glowed in the darkness.

Suddenly, the faint clatter of wooden clogs echoed from ahead. The officer looked up.

“Ahhh!” he shrieked, tumbling backward in terror.

A group of men and women, dressed in monstrous costumes and brimming with murderous intent, were approaching.

“Gin-san, are you sure this will really lure out the monster?” Shinpachi, clad in an octopus suit, twitched at the corner of his mouth.

“Who knows? Maybe that monster will think we’re throwing a party and come out to join the fun,” Gintoki replied, scratching the bizarre, pixelated hood on his head that strongly resembled a certain part of male anatomy. “By the way, why am I the only one stuck with such an indecent costume? Does a creature shaped like a kintama actually exist?”

“Oh, it does. I’ve seen one before,” confessed Take Okakura, who wore a Godzilla suit. “They’re called mitama—quite a pitiful species. The males are called mitama, and the females kiku. During mating, the kiku devours the mitama, just like praying mantises.”

“Ah, so there are pathetic males on alien planets too. Giving up their lives just for a bit of xxoo—humans are so much luckier. We can swing and sway with women every night and nothing ever happens,” Gintoki said, picking his nose.

“Not really. There are women who kill men during xxoo too, you know. That’s when men are least alert,” Take Okakura said with a sly smile. “Gin-san, watch out. Don’t get killed in the middle of it.”

Gintoki jabbed his nose so hard it bled. “Ouch, ouch! Damn you, scaring me with that horror story.”

“By the way, Okakura, where did you get so many monster costumes?” Katsura, swaddled in an adorable big-eyed cat suit, nuzzled his face blissfully against a plush paw. “This paw pad is so well-made. The bounce is perfect.”

“Right? I can’t believe you just made a call and so many monster suits showed up. Amazing,” said Triangular Undies, hopping over.

Why are you calling her Take-chan in that cutesy way too, Triangular Undies?

“I brought these from all the monsters I’ve slain on alien planets. It seemed a pity to waste their bodies, so I had the skins tanned and made into coats to sell online. But they didn’t sell as well as I’d hoped,” Take Okakura said, sounding regretful.

Crack—the group collectively broke down.

“So… we’re actually wearing real monster skins?” Gintoki asked in horror.

“Of course, but don’t worry. They’ve all been disinfected. No odd smells or anything. See?” Take Okakura held up her Godzilla claw for Gintoki to sniff. “No smell, right?”

“That’s not the point! Wearing monster skins is disgusting!” Gintoki protested.

Take Okakura immediately crouched down, crestfallen. “Sorry, I just wanted to help everyone, but I guess you all hate them…”

“Oh no! She’s radiating pure black depression! Is it my fault? Is it my fault?” Gintoki panicked.

“Gintoki, a samurai must be prepared to endure all filth. Even eating or doing things you’d rather not—you must endure,” Katsura said, hugging his paw.

“You can keep those things for yourself,” Gintoki retorted, then went to Take Okakura and whispered, tugging awkwardly at his mouth, “Sorry, it’s my fault. I didn’t mean to insult you. It’s just… a little gross, that’s all.”

Take Okakura turned back, her face beaming, “Got you! I’m not that easily upset. Ha!”

“Tch, troublesome brat,” Gintoki grumbled, though his expression relaxed.

Suddenly, a true, dense black aura surged from behind them. Ika-ko, dressed as a werewolf, approached, her face twisted in jealousy. “Seeing men and women together annoys me. Seeing lovey-dovey men with men, or women with women, annoys me too. Why are you all so happy? It’s not fair…”

“Oh no, Ika-ko’s gone full-on FFF cult!” Shinpachi exclaimed in panic.

“Ika-ko, don’t be like that. Everyone’s doing their best to help you,” Azuma ran over and grabbed Ika-ko.

“Where is that monster?! Why hasn’t it shown up? I want to rip off its thing and its that, ha ha ha!” Ika-ko laughed maniacally.

“Ah, Ika-ko’s completely lost it. She’s usually so gentle,” sighed Triangular Undies.

“Uncle Anmoto…”

“Take-chan, just call me Triangular Undies from now on. It’s cuter.”

Why on earth do you think that name is cute?!

“Mr. Honjo and Ika-ko have known each other for years. You know how people like us are seen as a joke by most. But Honjo’s different—he truly cares for Ika-ko. We can all see how gentle he is when he looks at her. Ika-ko cherishes this rare affection. Every night, she dresses up carefully, just waiting for Mr. Honjo to come…” Triangular Undies began to cry. “Seeing Ika-ko like this breaks our hearts too, because we all know the pain of losing someone precious.”

“Triangular Undies…” Shinpachi looked at him, eyes full of concern.

“It’ll be fine. Trust me, I’ll catch that monster,” Take Okakura said, offering a tissue to dry his tears. “Trust a woman who crawled out of a pile of monsters.”

“Okakura…” Triangular Undies gradually stopped crying, wiping his eyes. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

“Miss, we’ve been out here a long time. If the monster hasn’t shown up, do you have a plan?” Mrs. Saigo asked.

“No, the monster is already here,” Take Okakura replied.

“Really?! Where? I don’t see anything,” Shinpachi said, scanning the area.

“I just confirmed it now,” Take Okakura said, producing a small pouch filled with pale yellow slime.

“I wanted everyone to wear monster costumes because I couldn’t be sure what kind of creature it was. But monsters that drift to alien worlds have a strong instinct to seek their own kind—they can track even the faintest scent. Sorry for hiding this from you,” Take Okakura said apologetically.

“It’s fine. So, do you know what kind of monster it is now?” Saigo asked.

“Yes.” Take Okakura raised the pouch for everyone to see. “This monster is called kiku.”

“Wait, isn’t that the female that eats mitama, like you said before?” Shinpachi exclaimed.

“Exactly. But kiku is much craftier than mitama. It’s a master of hiding, but I picked up its scent.”

“So, Okakura, do you know where it is now?” Triangular Undies asked anxiously.

“It’s crawling all around us,” Take Okakura whispered.

A chill crept down everyone’s spines. They hadn’t sensed a thing!

“To avoid being detected, it’s circled us many times, leaving its scent everywhere. Kiku moves by crawling close to the ground, gripping with suction-cup tentacles. Even an expert would hardly hear it,” Take Okakura narrowed her eyes dangerously. “And it can sneak up behind its prey, unseen, and devour them.”

“So what do we do, Miss Okakura?” Shinpachi asked, voice trembling.

“Don’t worry, we still have a mintama here,” Take Okakura said with a smile.

Everyone turned to Gintoki, who pointed at himself, face dark. “Huh? Why’s everyone looking at me?”

“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m not going to be a pitiful male like a mantis! Why am I the bait? I’m taking this suit off!” Gintoki reached for the zipper but found he couldn’t budge it.

“Damn it, it won’t come off!” As he struggled, Ika-ko seized his lower half.

“Hurry up and lure out that monster, or I’ll crush your—” Ika-ko threatened, squeezing menacingly.

Sweat poured down Gintoki’s face as he forced a smile, voice rising, “Calm down, Ika-ko! Please let go of little Gin-san—he’s still young! Don’t be so cruel! I’ll lure out the monster, Frieza, anyone you want—just let him go!”

Ika-ko released him, and Gintoki quickly checked his Armstrong Cannon to ensure it was unharmed.

At that moment, Take Okakura approached, carrying the pouch of yellow slime. She poured the entire contents onto the very top of Gintoki’s pixelated suit.

“What are you doing?! Now it looks even worse!” Gintoki shouted, but before he could finish, Take Okakura smeared the slime onto his face.

“Bear with it, Gin-san. This is monster slime. It’ll make you irresistible to kiku—she’ll be over the moon,” Take Okakura said.

“Who wants to attract a monster’s affections?! She’ll be so happy she’ll eat me!”

“Come now, Gintoki, think of it this way. At least you can attract the attention of alien females. You never had much luck with human women anyway,” Katsura teased, only to be kicked flat by Gintoki.

“Shut up! Gin-san is way better than a pretty-boy like you!” Gintoki retorted, then jumped up and down on Katsura’s groin, eliciting a wave of pained cries.

“All right, let’s begin. We’ll all hide and pretend to split up—must catch this monster,” Mrs. Saigo declared, arms folded.

“Right!” Take and all the others chorused.

And so, Gintoki was left alone, wearing his pixelated monster suit, shedding a seaweed-like tear in the corner of the street.

Why is it always him…?